Body Appreciation

Primary Contributor: Andrea Hunsaker

Where Are The Mirrors In Nature? 

Hike along a wooded trail on a mild morning and watch your feet, each with their 26 bones, 33 joints and over 100 muscles, tendons and ligaments expertly maneuver the terrain. Feel your strong legs hoist you on top of a fallen log and work with your core to stabilize you as you balance along the top. As you trek along, be aware of how your heart and lungs work in perfect unison to bring nourishing oxygen to every surface and extremity. Your arms and hands skillfully brushing aside the protruding branches and lifting cool water to your lips. Each sense alive and taking in stimuli to an immensely intricate brain containing 100 trillion neural connections so highly advanced that it can “think about its own ability to think and wonder about its own ability to wonder.” (neuroscientist V.S. Ramachandran). To experience being alive in the most complex, ingenious thing on earth named the human body has everything to do with what your body can do and so very little to do with how it looks. You’ll see hundreds of shades of color and thousands of shapes in the landscape around you, but not a single reflection of your own shade or shape. Okay, maybe if you were to come upon a still lake with just the right lighting you could catch a blurry glimpse of your general features from ground level before it was disturbed by a water strider. But truly, there are very few chances in nature to see a reflection of oneself. Living is enjoyed from the inside out.

In the grand scheme of human existence, the ability to accurately take in and accept one’s own looks is a fairly new challenge. The earliest crude mirrors made from polished stone date back to 6000 b.c., but only recently, with the invention of the silvered-glass mirror in the 1800’s, were mirrors made available and affordable for the general public. Humans adapted to experiencing our bodies from the inside, so no wonder we do a double take when we walk by a full length mirror or see a photo of ourselves and think, “Who’s that?!...That can’t be me! I don’t feel like that. Uggh.”

To add to the trouble, our societal perception of the ideal body image is not based on some universal truth, but fabricated by social fads that are continually changing. Google the history of the ideal female body and you’ll see a fluctuating shape that ranges from a light skinned, ample figure in the Renaissance, to the flat chested, boyish shape of the roaring twenties, to the hourglass figure in the golden age of Hollywood, to the tall, thin, thigh gap-ed models of today. It not only makes chasing an ideal body a moving target, but considering we still lack the capability to change our genetic makeup, simply an unattainable one for the vast majority. We’re inundated with the erroneous cognitive programming that western culture serves us; that physical beauty equals happiness and the way to improve our lives is by changing our bodies or appearance. Population studies show that over half of women and girls and a quarter of men in our society have an overall negative opinion of their bodies. (Shelly & Hyde, 2006), (Cash & Henry, 1995; Cash, Winstead, & Janda, 1986; Muth & Cash, 1997). Dissatisfaction with body appearance is so normal that it has been referred to in the scientific community as ‘normative discontent’. (Mazzeo, 1999). At the extreme this discontent leads to life threatening eating disorders. At the least it just makes many of us feel needlessly bad.

The Negativity Bias: Understanding Our Default Wiring

When you look in the mirror where does your gaze land? Your harbor blue eyes that churn like a gathering storm? Or does your focus go straight to that problem area on your backside? It’s important to know that you are not the only one who looks in the mirror and finds fault. Even the most beautiful person you know could give you a long list of features they wish were different. Being imperfect and knowing it is part of being human. You’re normal. Here’s how to move toward being okay with being imperfectly normal.

Focussing only on disliked body parts makes looking into a mirror more like looking into a carnival funhouse mirror. We begin to see only what we don’t like and it grows and becomes so big and important in our minds that it warps the truth. It’s called negativity bias, and it’s the brain’s fault.

One of the most primitive parts of the brain regulates a system that looks for and reacts to threats. This avoidance system is faster and more powerful than our approach system that seeks out rewards. This is why when we hear a loud sound, our avoidance system reacts first with a startled jump, and then the newer, more advanced brain catches up a bit later and realizes it was just someone dropping a book and there actually isn’t a need to run for our lives. It’s a well intentioned system that allowed humans to survive, because (in the environment of our ancestors) if a threat is underestimated, then that’s it - there are no more tomorrows. But if a reward is missed, then that’s not as bad, there will be more opportunities for rewards later. So, the brain automatically and constantly looks for threats, the bad, the negative. It finds them first and weighs them as more important than the positive.

The same system that exists for physical threat exists for emotional threat. And because of how the brain is wired, social situations are perceived as survival situations. Being socially excluded, or even the perception of being socially excluded in some way, triggers the survival system because we are social, tribal beings - and being excluded from the tribe was as good as a death sentence. The perception of flaws in appearance may seem to the brain as a danger because the brain sees these perceived flaws as a survival threat - reduction of mating choices, diminished status in the tribe, or social rejection and thus a threat to survival. So what started out as a simple bad hair day gets turned into social exclusion and death by a negatively biased, threat seeking, primitive brain.

Even without the leftover biological effects of evolution, the brain holds a lifetime of cultural conditioning telling it that the differences in your body that lie outside the narrow view of the beauty ideal are negative. But is it really a negative that you have curly hair when the cultural beauty ideal is silky straight? Why isn’t it neutral? Or just unique? Is it really a negative that you are taller, shorter, lighter, darker, bigger, smaller than some contrived standard of appearance? Is it really a threat to your survival if you are two inches shorter than that actor? Here’s where we can allow the more advanced prefrontal cortex to catch up after the initial negative threat assessment and challenge that belief. Understand what is telling you that a certain perceived flaw is a flaw. It’s your primitive brain with negative bias and a culture who heard it from their primitive brains. An extremely warped picture of the truth.

Tell the Truth. The Whole Truth.

To combat negative bias tell yourself the whole truth. When you look in the mirror don’t ignore the perceived problem areas or try to convince yourself that you should feel differently than you actually do. You don’t have to tell yourself that you love the extra weight around your waistline. But instead of looking into the mirror and only seeing the extra weight, try seeing your body as a whole. Even the most critical people can find at least some things that they like about their appearance. And once you start looking for the good you’ll start to see it. What about your amazing eyes, dreamy hair, and endearing freckles? See those visual qualities about yourself that you truly appreciate alongside those aspects about your body that you don’t. See if instead of a skewed, funhouse focus on only those parts that aren’t your favorite, you can see the whole, clear, true version of yourself all at once - the perceived ‘good’ alongside the perceived ‘bad’.

To even out negativity bias you may have to retrain your mind to notice the good. Each time you have a thought, neurons fire in the brain and create a pathway. Entertaining the thought, feeding it with our attention, widens the pathway. Years of looking in the mirror, seeing a wrinkle, thinking it’s ugly, then feeling disgust will have created a grand canyon of a neural pathway to body dissatisfaction. Luckily, the brain has plasticity and you can reshape it. It will take effort now, as you look in the mirror and see that wrinkle, to create other pathways to body appreciation by also looking for physical qualities you genuinely appreciate about yourself. Can you think of at least three positive characteristics to every negative? There’s my wrinkle, and there’s my nicely shaped eyebrows, glowing skin, and straight teeth. Let those positive pathways build and grow for a more overall accurate view of yourself.

Then, after you have a truthful 2D vision of how you look, make it 3D. Add depth to the picture by including the dimension of what those body parts allow you to do. This is where the reality is. This is where a photo of a bowl of fruit becomes the real thing where you can reach in and enjoy a juicy bite. This is what matters. Your body isn’t a photo. It’s an organic, living, working powerful, miracle of a machine that acts and makes a difference! All those parts you see in the mirror move and work. Let’s say you consider your big toe to be abnormally large, so much so that you avoid sandals and buy up a size to accommodate it. See the large toe (1D), but also see it’s nicely shaped nail, it’s smooth, uncalloused skin, and the sculpted calf it’s an extension of (2D). See that this toe can move, has balanced you through many a salsa routine, 10K, and walk on the beach. It even returned to full health after a painful break and allows you now the freedom to go wherever you please pain free (3D). That is the true picture of your toe. When you tell yourself the whole truth your large toe becomes more of a longtime friend; a unique, endearing part of yourself.

Video: Dove Legacy 14 - About Mothers and their Daughters

Looks Aren't Everything

When you look in the mirror and see a part of you that you are dissatisfied with, why do you want to change it? What are the underlying reasons? If your ideal body genie poofed into your bathroom tonight and magically changed that part that you’ve loathed for so long, how would your life be different tomorrow?  

Happier? Research has shown that plastic surgery patients tend to be happy with the outcome of the surgery—they're more satisfied with the altered area—but many studies find they are no happier overall. They report no significant changes in self-esteem or in symptoms of depression. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/open-gently/201212/plastic-surgery-doesnt-boost-self-esteem) (http://www.apa.org/monitor/sep05/surgery.aspx). The assertion that there is no link between happiness and beauty is further supported by studies from Ed Diener who asked a panel of judges to rate a group of people (happy and unhappy) on physical attractiveness. The judges did not rate the happy people as any better looking than their unhappy peers. Interestingly, when the subjects rated themselves on looks, the happiest participants believed that they were attractive regardless of whether the judges thought they were. So, although there isn’t a link between beauty and happiness, there is a connection between believing you’re beautiful and being happy. (Sonja Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness, 2008; pp. 46-47). Great, so let’s get to the part that tells me how to believe I’m beautiful so I can be happy. Well, here we run into the chicken and egg question. It may be that you have to get happy first, then you’ll like how you look.

Better social connections? Perhaps some dissatisfaction with appearance stems from the underlying belief that others will like us more if we looked closer to a certain ideal. We believe we will gain stronger connections if only we were thinner, taller, had smoother hair, bigger biceps, etc. Do you think if your body was closer to an ideal, it would make you more connected to others? Could you be mistaking admiration for closer connections? There is a significant difference between being connected to others and being admired by others. Imagine you are at a party and are introduced to someone with an incredible body, face, hair, the works. Same sex/opposite sex - it doesn’t matter. How do you feel around them? Does their perfectly ideal body make you feel connected to them? Or is it actually a deterrent at first to an equal, comfortable friendship? Would you actually be intimidated, envious, judgmental, or have trouble being yourself? Do you feel connected to them or do you admire them? Admiration is actually a distancer when it comes to developing an equal friendship. One study found that people stepped further out of the way when a beautiful woman walked through a crowded space. This may have been out of respect and admiration, but it still created distance and less chance of interaction. (http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20150213-the-downsides-of-being-beautiful).

And what about romance? Well, there’s no denying that beautiful people have a definite advantage in initially turning heads and getting dates...or do they? The dating site, OKCupid, reported that those who posted the most beautifully flawless profile pictures were less likely to get dates than those who posted more quirky, less perfect pictures. (http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20150213-the-downsides-of-being-beautiful). And to top it all off for you unfortunate hotties, studies show that attractive people have shorter marriages than their average-looking counterparts and are less satisfied in their relationships. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/head-games/201704/do-beautiful-people-have-better-relationships) Certainly, being attractive does have real advantages in our social world, but when it comes to the real interpersonal connections that contribute to happiness, those physical flaws make us more approachable.

Accepting Yourself

“Throw out the razor and workout. I’ve accepted myself just as I am. Now pass me the cheesecake.” Maybe you’re afraid that accepting an overweight body that is not in ideal health will only do you a disservice and keep you in this unhealthy state, or worse, contribute to lowering your standards even more than they are now. You may think it necessary to be critical of your body in order to motivate yourself to do something about it. Studies show this approach backfires. Certainly it is wisdom to care for your body and do what is appropriate to be healthy. However, acceptance of where you are right now can still exist alongside a plan to head somewhere else. As psychologist Nathanial Brandon said, “The first step toward change is awareness. The second is acceptance.” Acceptance is the falling away of dissatisfaction, guilt, and criticism, and opens the door to move forward in self guidance without the paralyzing baggage of self-criticism. You can learn how to do this through the strategies presented in the Self-Compassion Module.

Beware of Comparisons

Poor body image not only hurts yourself, it can hurt others. Judging your own body harshly sets you up to judge others that way too. If you continually look in the mirror and feel disgust when you see a few extra pounds, that may also be your first thought when you look around and see others with those same extra pounds. On the other hand, practicing acceptance for your own body reduces judgement and discrimination toward others.

An ‘upward’ comparison (she’s thinner than me) may lead to feelings of inferiority, distress and loss of self-esteem, while a ‘downward’ comparison (I’ve got more muscle than you) may lead to the perception that one must cope with others’ envy and resentment. The key it seems, is to evaluate ourselves by our own separate yardstick. The apples to oranges mindset. Studies show that the happiest people don’t compare themselves to others. They appear to use their own internal standard to judge themselves. This way they can take pleasure in others’ successes and show concern for others’ failures. On the other hand, unhappy people who compare themselves with others feel deflated about their peers’ accomplishments and, when their peers fail, feel relieved rather than sympathetic . (Sonja Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness 2008, pg 117).

Practice: Compassion for Yourself and Others

When you meet someone new, how long does it take for you to get past your initial judgement of their appearance? Think of a few people who you enjoy being with. Why do you like being with them? Now think about what their bodies look like? Does what you like about them have anything to do with how they look?

Try an experiment; Stand in front of a full length mirror. Cut off your head by blocking your vision with your hand or standing just so the mirror reflects only your body. Imagine that this person is a good friend of yours with this body. Notice what feelings arise. Are your judgements more compassionate for a friend with this body? Ask yourself if this body shape determines what type of friend, parent, child, employee or human this person is? Are these judgements fair or logical? Do those parts you are sensitive about seem less dramatic on this friend before you? Try to observe this body without judgement, especially those parts you are sensitive about. Now add your head to your body. Notice what judgements arise. Do your feelings change? Are they more harsh than before? Ask yourself if these judgements are fair or logical. See if you can get to a point where what you see in the mirror isn’t good or bad, it just is. Try to get to a point where you can think of yourself with the same compassion (link to compassion module) as you would a friend.

Accepting Your Body Practice (adapted in part from Rick Hanson):

Look around the room and rest your eyes on an inanimate object; a rock, a chair, a pillow. Now say to the object in your mind, “I do not accept you. I do not accept your shape. I do not accept your function.” Notice what feelings arise. Is there discontent, resistance, defeat? Notice that your lack of acceptance does not change the object in any way. Now say to the object in your mind, “I accept you. I accept your shape. I accept your function.” Notice what feelings arise. Is there a peace, a relaxing, a new underlying stability, a sense of quiet power?

Now move your eyes to your own foot. Try again the experiment of telling your foot that you do not accept it and notice the feelings that arise. Then switch to acceptance and notice how those feelings change. Now that you’ve felt the difference between non-acceptance and acceptance, drop the non-acceptance and move through your entire body, part by part, and practice telling each piece that it is accepted in both shape and function. If this practice becomes difficult for you, feel free to disengage, and give yourself permission to skip those parts that are too difficult at this time. As you move through your body, you may come upon parts that don’t work as well as you’d like them to. Here, practice compassion and say, for example, “Eyes, I accept you as you are. I recognize you are becoming increasingly far sighted, and I accept that. I accept your function as it is now.” As you repeatedly practice connecting your body to feelings of acceptance, these neural pathways become more and more entrenched until acceptance is the main thought that arises in connection to your body.

Appreciating Your Body Practice (adapted in part from Rick Hanson):

Sit or lie in a comfortable position and center yourself with a few deep breaths. In your mind’s eye, go back in time and imagine yourself as an embryo. View the wonder of your cells splitting over and over and all your parts coming into form. See your heart begin to beat, your limbs beginning to move, growing each day. Imagine the day of your birth and experiencing your first breaths, your first sights and sounds. Imagine the thrill of learning that your hands can manipulate objects, that your voice produces results. You learn that you can move, crawl and walk. Focus on what your body has learned to do for you over the years. Ride a bike and experience the exhilaration of speeding down a hill, swim and feel the sensation of floating in a pool of cool water, your fingers holding a pencil to write the answer to a difficult math problem your brain has expertly computed. Learning to sew, to write an essay, to wrap your arms around a loved one. Now scan through your body. Bring awareness to your feet. How have your feet supported you in life? Offered you pleasure? Given you strength? Bring to mind what they have allowed you to do. Accept their contribution to your life’s experience. Thank your feet for all they have done for you. Continue through the rest of your body recognizing each part’s contribution and feeling gratitude (link to gratitude module) for what it has done for you. If there are parts that you feel have limited you or brought you pain, allow those feelings to be there, but also see them in a larger framework of the good that part has done for you. For example, “Back, thank you for allowing me to stand, walk, balance and move effortlessly for the majority of my life. You were injured and we’ve experience pain and limitations, and I accept this pain and limitation alongside all the many contributions you have given. You have worked so hard for me.” Finish by asking your body if there is anything it needs from you.

Resources for Further Study

Dove’s beauty campaign bravely challenges mainstream society’s beauty image through poignant videos:

The Body Image Workbook: An Eight-Step Program for Learning to Like Your Looks
By Thomas Cash PhD