By Erika Shore
I used to work at a small teriyaki restaurant. My favorite aspect of this job was not the tips or constantly smelling like teriyaki sauce, but rather my day-to-day interactions with customers. All behind a small counter, I saw glimpses of the vast joys and sorrows that life has to offer. From regular customers to new faces, I would hear about the passing of loved ones, news of new grandbabies, rejections from job opportunities, struggles of being a single parent, and so much more. I was always surprised by how comfortable people felt opening up to an almost complete stranger about the complexities of their lives. Throughout all of these encounters, however, I found a greater appreciation for life. These individuals were willing to be vulnerable with me, and in turn, we both ended the conversation feeling happier and a little less alone in the world.
To know another and to feel known is something that all human beings long for. As we give more of ourselves to others, we expect the same in return. This dynamic is fueled by the disclosure reciprocity effect, which describes the tendency for people to self-disclose more to those who have also self-disclosed to them. This self-disclosure fosters a sense of intimacy in relationships. In other words, as we are more vulnerable with others, we often find that they are more vulnerable with us, helping both to grow closer together. Our most treasured and fulfilling relationships in life are fueled by this sense of trust and closeness.
What is Emotional Vulnerability?
Emotional vulnerability can be defined as having the courage to take emotional risks, even when unsure of the outcome. For most of us, this form of vulnerability is associated with weakness. Much like physical vulnerability, it is natural to find ways to guard ourselves against impending danger or harm. Unfortunately, emotional vulnerability can often be connected with feelings of rejection, uncertainty, and shame. We all face the fear of knowing who to trust, making the right choice for our futures, and general feelings of inadequacy. Emotional vulnerability, however, can be a strength. It should not be confused with weakness. It is in moments of great vulnerability that we often feel closest to those around us. Research professor and writer Dr. Brené Brown describes vulnerability as the “birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” Emotional vulnerability can serve as the catalyst to building authentic connections with others.
Embracing Emotional Vulnerability in Our Own Lives
So how can we develop healthy vulnerability in our own relationships? Here are some helpful tips:
Vulnerability begins with the self. Begin by asking yourself a few questions: Are you honest with yourself when you confront failure or other hard emotions? Do you avoid certain emotions or past memories, and why? Ask yourself what you are in need of when facing difficulties. You may find that taking time to slow down and be present can aid you in coming to understand yourself better. Journaling your thoughts or spending time in nature are also great methods of embracing vulnerability with the self.
Identify and eliminate shame. Shame is the antithesis of vulnerability. It is deeply connected with feelings of embarrassment, unworthiness, and self-doubt. Embracing vulnerability is not possible without practicing self-compassion (see our self-compassion module). Allow yourself to experience all of your emotions for what they are without placing unnecessary judgment.
Set boundaries for yourself. Emotional vulnerability is not about oversharing the intricate details of our lives to just anyone. It requires establishing boundaries and trust. Take time to understand the relationships in your life that could be more fulfilling, and then slowly work towards building trust.
Take small steps. It is difficult to be vulnerable when we don’t understand our own emotions. Learning how to identify and understand the source and course of our feelings can help us practice vulnerability in productive and meaningful ways.
Start Today!
Ask for help when you need it.
Apologize sincerely when you make a mistake and hurt someone.
Establish boundaries and say “no” when necessary.
Try something new.
Admit when you are feeling overwhelmed or afraid.
Share an unpopular opinion.
Tell someone how much they matter to you.
Do something you’re not good at.
Life is all about forming meaningful connections. Although emotional vulnerability may seem frightening or uncomfortable, it is the pathway to fostering enduring and fulfilling relationships. True belonging comes from authenticity and vulnerability. So begin today! Let people in, embrace the unknown, and speak your truth.