Tackling Perfectionism

By Jenna Tribe

Have you ever felt devastated when you didn’t measure up to the high expectations you, or someone else, set for you? Have you ever felt the intense need to put on a perfect face for those around you no matter how much you were hurting on the inside, to the point that you just stopped feeling your emotions? Or, have you ever been so obsessed with success that you never actually stop to appreciate what you’ve already accomplished? 

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, or even if only part of you answered yes, then odds are you’re just like me: a perfectionist. I’m going to tell you my story of perfectionism. The details of my story will differ from yours, but I bet some of the themes of my experience will resonate with you. 

Practice Makes Perfect?

Everyone has heard the phrase “practice makes perfect.” Most people have also heard the words “perfect practice makes perfect.” That emphasis on perfection was commonplace for me as a child. I grew up as the last of five children in a family of high intellect, success, and drive. For me, I first remember feeling the need to be perfect when I started playing piano. In order to play well, I was taught, one needs to have perfect hand position, perfect posture, and perfect practice. If a section of a piano piece wasn’t perfect, that small section had to be perfectly practiced over and over until I could play the piece seamlessly. Within the realm of piano, perfect practice is important to play a piece well.

That focus on perfection began to bleed into other parts of my life, until I believed everything about me had to be perfect. I had to get high grades on all my assignments in all my classes in school. If I got anything below an A, I was shattered. I had to be perfect at always being the “happy, smiley girl” that everyone knew me as. If I felt sadness, shame, disappointment, or any other painful emotion that would tarnish my perfect image that I clung to, I had to shove it all down and present a happy, shining face to the world. I had to be perfect at following rules, at living the practices of my religion, at everything. I couldn’t make mistakes in anything, and I was terrified of messing up. Although perfectionism was something I joked about to my friends, I truly was a perfectionist in almost all aspects of my life.

Well, I discovered two things. First, as a human being, my identity was made up of a lot more than just being happy. Second, I couldn’t make the pain just go away. In other words, I couldn’t be perfect anymore, or even look perfect to those around me. I fell into depression, and was overcome with loneliness, sadness, and emptiness. My life at that point in time was just miserable, and yet I still felt the need to be perfect in everything, including my uncontrollable emotions. Unfortunately, I couldn’t be perfect, no matter how hard I tried. The more this happened, the worse I felt inside. It seemed like my suffering would never end.

Although suffering is part of life, two things occurred that alleviated that specific suffering. First, I met a man who listened to me, understood my pain, and helped me process and recover from what I was feeling. We all need people who love and support us no matter what. Second, I was accepted to be a research assistant for a professor in the field of positive psychology, and he gave me a book about Perfectionism. I read that book, and a light went off in my head. That light is what I hope to share with you here in this mini-module.

The resources at MyBestSelf101.org are intended to help us gain information that will allow us to improve and work towards our best selves. For many of the modules, the topics are things we know we should do, and we know why we should do them, but we just don’t know how to get ourselves to do them. The key to change in many circumstances is knowledge.

Knowledge can get us to the tipping point of action. For other modules, we don’t even know we should do them, and often times, we don’t know we have a problem until we gain knowledge. When we learn what we need, everything clicks, and a light goes off in our minds. “Oh, that’s why I feel this way?!” or “Wow, that can help me with this?!”

For me, I knew of the concept of perfectionism; like I said, it was something I joked about with my friends and family. But I didn’t really know I was a perfectionist, or that I needed to and even could change, until I gained the knowledge of what it is, why it’s a problem, and how to overcome it.

Because of knowledge, I was able to change something that caused innumerable problems and hardship in my life. By no means am I perfect at not being perfect; I still feel the perfectionism coming on sometimes. As a “recovering perfectionist”, as I’ve heard it said, I don’t think the bouts of perfectionism will ever truly go away. But, like with many parts of life, it’s a journey. A journey to become my best self.

What is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism can come in many forms, but according to Tal Ben Shahar (2009), it all boils down to three things: fear of failure, fear of painful emotions, and fear of success. Let’s explore what each of these aspects means.

FEAR OF FAILURE: Normal aversion to failure motivates us to work hard, but intense fear of failure handicaps us. However, perfectionists reject failure, seeing value only in the success at the end and none in the journey to get there. In addition, perfectionists have an all or nothing mindset towards success. To them, it’s either all success, or all failure. When failure occurs, they are unforgiving of their own mistakes and the mistakes of others, and they reject any sort of feedback or criticism. Intensely fearing failure causes us to miss out on making mistakes that would otherwise teach us important lessons. Failure is part of learning! We need to learn how to fail so we can become our best self.

FEAR OF PAINFUL EMOTIONS: Refusing to allow ourselves to experience painful emotions like sadness, fear, disappointment, and anxiety also limits our ability to feel positive emotions such as happiness, joy, contentment, and peace. Perfectionists expect to feel an unbroken chain of positive emotions with no deviation, and often suppress all painful emotions in order to fulfill their idea of perfection. However, attempting to block emotions actually intensifies and worsens them. Instead, we need to allow ourselves to feel all of our emotions, both pleasant and painful, in order to experience a fulfilling life.

FEAR OF SUCCESS: Sometimes our desire for success leads us to set unrealistically high goals and expectations for ourselves. Perfectionists do not appreciate their successes or ground them in reality, causing them to reject success. When they have what most people would consider a success, they reject it by either setting extremely high standards, resulting in them never reaching their standards, or by failing to appreciate their success, resulting in them never being satisfied with what they’ve accomplished. We need to ground our expectations in reality and appreciate what we accomplish!

Does any of that sound like you? Most people I talk to identify with at least one aspect of perfectionism, if not more. Perfectionism seems to abound in our society today. That’s not necessarily a good thing, though. Besides the fact that perfectionism can cause us to reject both failure and success and numb our emotions, other side effects like depression and anxiety can occur.

A study by Mushquash and Sherry (2012) measured levels of perfectionism, depression, and self-defeating behaviors in college undergraduates. They found that perfectionism was an interpersonal conflict. Interestingly, the aspect of perfectionism that they labelled “socially prescribed perfectionism," which is defined as those who perceive pressure from others to be perfect, was especially associated with depression and self-defeating behaviors.

Other studies found that perfectionists were more likely to have anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem (Allen & Wang, 2014) as well as lower cognitive performance (Desnoyers & Arpin-Cribbie, 2013) and fear and sadness (Stornelli et al., 2009).

Perfectionism can seriously decrease our satisfaction with life, and it can cause a host of problems for us. I know, because I experienced many of the side effects of perfectionism in my own life. The question now is, how do we convince ourselves to stop feeling the need to be perfect all the time?

Optimalism is the Answer!

Although perfectionism can cause serious distress and misery in our lives, it’s not always bad to have perfectionistic tendencies. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to succeed and do well in our lives, but how do we find the balance between healthy perfectionism and detrimental perfectionism? Tal Ben Shahar suggests that we aim for optimalism, instead of perfectionism. While maladaptive perfectionism (or, perfectionism) is neurotic, rejects reality, and doesn’t accept human limitations, adaptive perfectionism (or, optimalism) is healthy, accepts reality, and understands human limitations.

Let’s explore how optimalism applies to fear of failure, fear of painful emotions, and fear of success.

Fear of failure: While perfectionists expect a straight path to success without failure of any kind, optimalists accept failure because they realize that our journey to success usually involves roadblocks, stumbles, and detours. They not only accept the journey, but they enjoy it, and all the lessons that come with it. Perfectionists refuse feedback, but optimalists realize the value of suggestions, and are forgiving of their mistakes and the mistakes of others. Instead of having an all or nothing attitude like perfectionists, optimalists try to find the positive side of situations. They can see the glass as half full instead of half empty, but they also know that not every situation has a positive outcome.

Optimalists are realists about life, and understand that failure is part of learning. As Tal ben Shahar put it, optimalists appreciate that “we learn to walk by falling, to talk by babbling, to shoot a basket by missing, and to color inside of a square by scribbling outside the box” (pg. xvi, 2009).

Fear of painful emotions: Perfectionists believe that the way to a fulfilling life is to only feel happy all the time. That’s not true, and optimalists know that. Optimalists understand that the way to a good life is to give ourselves the permission to be human, which means allowing ourselves to feel all our emotions, both pleasant and painful. Optimalism means expecting the ups and the downs and all the emotions in between. Experiencing all the emotions life has to offer is really what leads to a fulfilling life.

Fear of success: Instead of rejecting success because of setting too high of standards or failing to appreciate accomplishments like a perfectionist, optimalists ground their successes in reality. They find the balance between high expectations and reality by aspiring to attain goals that are difficult enough to be challenging while still being possible. This allows us to recognize and enjoy our successes.

While being an optimalist means overcoming our drive to be perfect in everything, it doesn’t mean that we stop striving for success. Optimalism still involves setting challenging goals and trying our best, it just takes out the unhealthy need to always be and look perfect. For me, transitioning from perfectionism to optimalism required a change of perspective and attitude. Although the change took time and effort, the result was rewarding. I am much more fulfilled, content, and happy than I was before.

Research supports the difference between maladaptive and adaptive perfectionistic tendencies, in other words, perfectionism and optimalism. Stoeber et al. (2008) found that maladaptive perfectionism was associated with lower self-efficacy and decreases in confidence after failure. In contrast, adaptive perfectionism was associated with higher aspiration levels and selfefficacy, as well as increases in aspiration after success. Another study found that adaptive perfectionism was associated with higher conscientiousness, life satisfaction, presence of meaning, and happiness, while maladaptive perfectionism was associated with higher neuroticism and higher search for meaning (Suh et al., 2017).

Again, perfectionism can be the cause of much distress, but adaptive perfectionism, or optimalism, can have a positive impact on our lives. Some have even said that being an optimalist is better than having no perfectionistic tendencies at all, because we have higher motivation to accomplish our goals and accomplish them well (Suh et al., 2017).

Optimalism Strategies

Now that we’ve gone over the what of perfectionism, and why it is so much better to be an optimalist instead of a perfectionist, you may be wondering just how you can make the changes to become an optimalist. Here are some strategies to help you transition from perfectionism to optimalism in your life.

TAKE ACTION. A research psychologist named Daryl Bem has found that just like we form attitudes about others through observation of their behaviors, we form attitudes about ourselves by observing our own behavior. If we see a woman serving others, we decide that she is kind and selfless. Similarly, when we act kindly, our attitude about ourselves starts to shift in that direction and we see ourselves as more kind. Applying this to perfectionism, which is an attitude, think of something you have always wanted to do but haven’t because of the fear of failing. Then, do it! Apply for a new job, try a new sport, audition for a play. In this, and other areas of your life, try to act like an optimalist would. Learn from your mistakes, go outside your comfort zone, ask for feedback, and don’t worry if you fail and keep trying. Then, write about your experience and how it applies to other areas of your life.

MINDFULNESS MEDITATION. Mindfulness is all about being present in the moment, accepting the present without judgement, and allowing ourselves to feel whatever we are feeling whether we like it or not. Accepting failure, emotion, and success takes practice, just like learning a sport or an instrument takes practice. We can’t truly learn the art of acceptance without practicing it, ideally everyday, although sometimes is better than never. Mindfulness meditation helps us to practice acceptance. For more information on mindfulness check out our Mindfulness Module.

EXPERIENCING THE EXPERIENCE. Sometimes, we have trouble allowing ourselves to feel painful emotions because they are, well, painful. Think of and focus on a painful emotion, or an experience that brings on painful emotions, and whatever emotional or physical reaction you have, let it be. For example, if you get nervous and anxious while speaking in public, imagine yourself speaking in public. Or, choose a specific emotion, such as sadness, disappointment, or another emotion you have been suppressing, and let yourself feel it. As you think about and feel the emotion, maintain deep, even breathing. If other emotions arise, let yourself feel those as well. Give yourself the permission to feel by experiencing the emotion with an open heart, without trying to fix or change what you are feeling.

THE GOOD-ENOUGH LIFE. Because we are human and have limitations, we cannot maximize in everything we do, 100% of the time. It’s simply not possible, but we can achieve what is most important to us if we live in the “good-enough” mindset. What we should do is choose the top, most important things in our lives in which we want to thrive. Then, instead of trying to multitask or do everything all at once, we need to balance our time and energy between what is most important.

Make a list of the most important areas of your life, such as health, religion, family, work, etc. Under each category, write what you would ideally like to do and how much time you would ideally like to spend doing them. Then, pick the activities under each list that you can’t give up, and write them under your good-enough list. Write down how long you’d like to spend on each activity in your good-enough world. For example, you might ideally like to hit the gym 90 minutes a day 6 days a week, but 30 minutes a day 4 days a week might be good enough.

EXPRESSING GRATITUDE. Taking the time to be grateful is known to improve quality of life and increase levels of positive emotions (Shahar pg. 85, 2009). There are two ways to focus on gratitude. First, keep a gratitude journal. Everyday, write down 5 things that you are grateful for. In order to keep it from becoming mundane and losing its ability to help you appreciate your successes and your life, mindfully doing this and visualizing what you’re grateful for helps. Picking specific things or events everyday, such as your husband’s smile or getting off work a little earlier than normal, can also help. Second, write a letter of gratitude to someone you appreciate. Think of specific events or experiences and write them in the letter. Just writing the letter is helpful, but sending the letter or delivering it in person is better. Then, write more letters! Learn more about these strategies in our Gratitude Module.

SUCCESS IS REAL. Success is real and attainable, but it’s not always easy to see how we will achieve our goals. Write down a goal that you want to achieve but has previously seemed unattainable. In a narrative form, write down and describe how you will reach this goal. Include the steps you will take, the obstacles you will face, how you will overcome them, and finally, how you will get to your destination in the end.

UNBUNDLING. Perfectionism is hard to overcome because we associate it with positive traits, such as being driven, meticulous, and hard working. People fear they will become sloppy and lazy by becoming less of a perfectionist. To overcome perfectionism, we need to “unbundle” the aspects of perfectionism we want, such as drive and ambition, and overcome the aspects we don’t want, such as fear of failure. List characteristics or behaviors you want to change but have been unable to thus far, such as being a people-pleaser or being too anxious. Write down positive traits of each one. For example, for being a people pleaser, you might write “caring about the needs of others” or “being selfless”. Write down the aspects you want to keep and the aspects you want to change.

GAINING PERSPECTIVE. Think of a recent event that has upset you emotionally or of an upcoming event that you are worried about. As you do this, give yourself the permission to be human. This means accepting what happened as well as the emotions you are feeling. Then, reconstruct the situation. What positive outcomes can this situation have? You do not have to be happy about what happened, you just need to acknowledge that some benefits can be gleaned from the experience.

For example, you might have learned something new, or gained new insight. You could have become more appreciative of your life. Finally, take a step back and gain a wider perspective on the situation. Try to see the experience in the larger scheme of things. Will you see the situation differently in the future? Are you putting too much importance on things that really don’t matter? For this process, you can write what you’re thinking, talk to someone about it, or just give yourself the time and space to experience it. Repeat the exercise regularly. You can do this by choosing another experience or by responding to experiences as they occur.

CHANGING OUR INTERPRETATION. Often times, cognitively reconstructing an experience can have great benefits. Make a table with three columns. In the first column, write down events that caused a painful or unpleasant emotional reaction. In the second, write down the interpretation of the event from a perfectionist’s point of view, with the emotion the interpretation elicited next to it in parentheses. Then, in the third column, cognitively reconstruct the interpretation to be more rational, the way an optimalist would interpret the experience. Write down the emotion you hope to experience next to it in parentheses.

REFLECTING ON SUFFERING. Suffering, although difficult and often miserable, refines us and helps us to learn and grow. Set aside at least 20 minutes and write about a time when you experienced suffering. Describe what happened, the emotions you felt then, and what you feel now. What did you learn from the experience? How did you grow from the experience? What impact did the experience have on you, and what can it teach you? Try to write in a stream of consciousness manner, without worrying about grammar.

There are many strategies we can use to tackle perfectionism and become an optimalist, each of which help us in different ways. Pick one or two of the strategies listed above, or all of them if you want, and follow the prompt. If one strategy doesn’t work for you, try a different one. Continued practice of these strategies can help you significantly in transitioning from a perfectionist to an optimalist.

Highly Recommended: “The Pursuit of Perfect” by Tal Ben Shahar.

References

Allen, G. E., & Wang, K. T. (2014). Examining religious commitment, perfectionism, scrupulosity, and well-being among LDS individuals. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 6(3), 257-264. doi:10.1037/a0035197

Ben-Shahar, T. (2009). The pursuit of perfect: how to stop chasing perfection and start living a richer, happier life. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Desnoyers, A., & Arpin-Cribbie, C. (2015). Examining cognitive performance: Do perfectionism and rumination matter? Personality and Individual Differences, 76, 94-98. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2014.11.050

Mushquash, A. R., & Sherry, S. B. (2012). Understanding the socially prescribed perfectionist’s cycle of self-defeat: A 7-day, 14-occasion daily diary study. Journal of Research in Personality,46(6), 700-709. doi:10.1016/j.jrp.2012.08.006

Stoeber, J., Hutchfield, J., & Wood, K. V. (2008). Perfectionism, self-efficacy, and aspiration level: Differential effects of perfectionistic striving and self-criticism after success and failure. Personality and Individual Differences,45(4), 323-327. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2008.04.021

Stornelli, D., Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2009). Perfectionism, achievement, and affect in children: A comparison of students from gifted, arts, and regular programs. Canadian Journal of School Psychology, 24(4), 267-283. doi:10.1177/0829573509342392

Suh, H., Gnilka, P. B., & Rice, K. G. (2017). Perfectionism and well-being: A positive psychology framework. Personality and Individual Differences,111, 25-30. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2017.01.041