By Kobe Clark
“Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.”
A few minutes on Instagram can change how you feel about your life.
You finish a tough assignment, pick up your phone, and see somebody landed an interview you wanted. A minute ago, you felt accomplished. What changed?
In life, it sometimes seems like everybody has news to share. Nothing in our lives actually changed; we just learned something about somebody else's. Why does that affect us so much?
Why Do We Compare?
Comparison itself isn't unusual. Leon Festinger gave this habit a name back in 1954. His social comparison theory suggests that when we aren't sure how we're doing, we look at other people to help us decide (Festinger, 1954).
That isn't always bad. I've seen people do impressive things and felt inspired to work harder myself. But there's a difference between being inspired by a friend and feeling worse because you aren't in the same place.
College makes this especially easy. One friend gets into a competitive program. Someone else already knows where they're working after graduation. You might still be deciding which classes to take.
Before long, you start wondering, "Am I behind?"
But this begs the question, “behind what?” Two people can be in the same occupation and have completely different circumstances. We tend to see the achievement, not everything that happened before it.
The Problem With Comparing
Here's what I forget: I don't actually know what's going on in their lives.
I'll see somebody's graduation announcement, for example, but probably not the applications they had rejected or the weeks they spent worrying.
This isn't just a feeling people talk about. Vogel and colleagues (2014) found that more frequent Facebook use was associated with lower self-esteem, partly through comparisons with people viewed as better off. In their experiment, looking at profiles that encouraged upward comparison also affected how participants felt about themselves.
We end up comparing everything about our day with one carefully chosen part of somebody else's.
And you don't need social media for that to happen. Maybe you walk out of an exam relieved because the studying paid off. Then your friend mentions getting a higher score. Suddenly you're annoyed about the grade you were celebrating.
Your score is exactly the same. So is the work you put into it.
I find that pretty telling. Comparison doesn't have to take away an accomplishment to take away the satisfaction we got from it.
Choosing Gratitude Over Comparison
So what do we do about it?
I don't think anyone can simply decide to never compare themselves again. I certainly can't. But we can notice when it's happening and question whether the comparison is actually helping us.
I like starting with gratitude, even if it sounds simple. When I'm focused on someone else's life, I overlook what's going well in mine.
Another question worth asking is whether I'm doing better than I was before.
Something that was hard last year might feel manageable now. That counts as progress, even if nobody posts about it.
I'd rather measure that kind of progress than keep checking how I stack up against my friends.
Finding Joy in Our Own Journey
I'd like to get better at hearing a friend's good news and leaving it at that: good news. They shouldn't have to downplay something exciting because I'm worried about my own plans.
Somebody will get a higher grade, land a better job, or figure out their plans before you do. That's not evidence that you're doing life wrong.
When I catch myself doing it, I want to remember one question:
If I hadn't heard about somebody else's success, would I still be proud of what I did?
That question gets at what matters. The good things in our lives don't become less good because another person has something different.
We can want to improve without making every day a competition. There's room to be proud of where we are and still be excited about what's next.
References
Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140. https://doi.org/10.1177/001872675400700202
Schmich, M. (1997, June 1). Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young. Chicago Tribune.
Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206–222. https://doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000047