By Leini Jenkins
“Empathy is a choice and it’s a vulnerable choice. In order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.”
Something I have been thinking about lately is empathy. Empathy seems to be one of those words that has various definitions, and depending on who is talking about it, a different take on what it looks like to be empathetic. I decided to investigate and see what some of the people who spent time studying empathy had to say. I wanted to know how empathy can be expressed and utilized for good and if there are ways to increase the ability to extend empathy to those around us, especially those who are different from us.
What Is Empathy?
In a review of the literature on empathy, Zurek and Scheithauer (2017) break down definitions, functions, and development of empathy. According to their review, most researchers agree that empathy contains two components—an affective and a cognitive component. These two components are considered different and distinct, yet interrelated and complementary. However, what do cognitive and affective mean in the context of empathy? Cognitive functions of empathy include the ability to recognize and decode facial expressions and nonverbal cues, abstract reasoning, alternating between an internal state and the experience of another, and being able to remember details and reflect on them for at least a short time. All of this working together (and more) makes up the ability to understand another's emotional experience. The affective functions of empathy refer to the emotional component of empathy, which entails the emotional responsiveness or reaction to someone else's emotional experience. However, empathy should shift our focus outward toward the other person rather than inward toward the self, making up the ability to share the emotions of others. Boiled down to its most basic elements, empathy is a skill set that helps us to understand and share the emotions and experiences of others. Wiseman (1996) highlights the defining attributes of empathy in her review. These include 1) seeing the world as others see it, 2) non-judgment, 3) understanding another's feelings, and 4) being able to communicate the understanding back to them. In her book Atlas Of The Heart, Brene Brown (2021) refers to empathy as an emotional skill set and an essential tool of compassion. She takes one slight deviation from the definitions above and argues that empathy does not require feeling for someone; rather, it only requires us to be able to search for the knowledge of what that emotion might feel like, as more of an understanding and not as a literal feeling the same thing.
What Does Empathy Do?
Empathy gives way to connection and is a key component of compassionate support (Brown, 2021). Empathy motivates prosocial actions, fosters moral judgment, and encourages ethical decisions. It is associated with greater subjective well-being and cooperation. Empathy is interpersonal and relational and, as such, is a product of social interaction. Because of this, empathy can help strengthen and maintain relationships (Zurek & Scheithauer, 2017). According to Wiseman (1996), there are positive outcomes for both the giver and receiver. For the receiver, they may feel valued, satisfied, and understood. The giver may feel fulfilled and have a sense of meaning. When empathy shows up and compassionate support is achieved, everyone benefits.
How Can We Show Up With Empathy?
If empathy is a skill set (Brown, 2021), we can learn to use it and, like any skill, can be practiced and refined, becoming better and better as we go. Taking what we just learned about empathy, we can start to piece together what empathy might look like in our day-to-day lives and how we can show up in a compassionate and supportive way to those we interact with, even those who may differ from us.
We know empathy involves seeking to understand another person's experience and reflecting on that understanding (Wiseman, 1996). In that case, it seems that a way to gain this understanding is to listen and believe what someone tells us about their experience. Robert Biswas-Diener and Christian van Nieuwerburgh, as well as Charles Duhigg, have all written about listening as a way to cultivate empathy. If we ask what it's like for someone but then proceed to interject our take on it, that doesn't feel like empathy anymore. Instead, we can try to summarize what they just told us in our own words and ask if that is correct. It might look like this: "What I am hearing is that you're struggling with not being able to find a job, and you're stressed about finances," or “You believe strongly about this topic because of an experience you had.” When listening to understand, we show up without an agenda, advice, or judgment (Duhigg, 2024; van Nieuwerburgh & Biswas-Diener, 2025).
Another important component of empathy is trying to see the world as another might see it. Since we are all unique individuals, we won't be able to understand another's worldview perfectly. However, I don't think that perfection is required for empathy to be present, only some humility. I also think a certain amount of understanding needs to happen to empathize with how another person sees the world. I'll share a personal example that hopefully illustrates this. On social media, there was a post that asked the reader to pause and think about what it might be like to experience something through the eyes of someone who is a part of a specific group. This group includes individuals who experience the world in vastly different ways than I have or ever will. Yet, because I have taken the time to understand different aspects of what it is like to be a part of this group, I could mentalize what it might be like. I was trying my best to see it through their eyes. The effect was powerful. I was surprised at the emotions and reactions I felt. It allowed me to sit with another possible perspective I had not considered before. This experience allowed me to tap into empathy and see another's humanity.
Lastly, when considering the emotional (affective) aspect of empathy, Brene Brown (2021) emphasizes the importance of being present with and moving through the emotional experience of another. This looks like sitting with someone in their pain or struggle, not trying to get them out of it. This can be hard because many of us (with good intentions) may want to jump straight to fixing the problem or the hurt. However, being able to sit and be with someone in a tough moment is how empathy shows up as powerful support. So next time someone is having a tough moment, try just being present without trying to fix it. Maybe offer a supportive phrase such as, "I'm here for you," or whatever feels authentic to you and appropriate for the situation.
In summary, empathy is a dance of interrelated components that allow us to connect, support, and be compassionate with those around us, especially those who may feel miles away from where we metaphorically stand.
“All I ever wanted was to reach out and touch another human being not just with my hands but with my heart.”
References
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House.
Duhigg, C. (2024). Supercommunicators: How to unlock the secret language of connection. Random House.
van Nieuwerburgh, C., Biswas-Diener, R. (2025). Radical listening: The art of true connection. Berrett-Koehler Publishers.
Wiseman, T. (1996). A concept analysis of empathy. Journal of Advanced Nursing (Wiley-Blackwell), 23(6), 1162–1167. https://doi.org/10.1046/j.1365-2648.1996.12213.x
Zurek, P. P., & Scheithauer, H. (2017). Towards a More Precise Conceptualization of Empathy: An Integrative Review of Literature on Definitions, Associated Functions, and Developmental Trajectories. International Journal of Developmental Science, 11(3/4), 57–68. https://doi.org/10.3233/DEV-16224