By Ruth Jack
“Listening is a very active awareness of the coming together of at least two lives. Listening, as far as I’m concerned, is certainly a prerequisite of love. One of the most essential ways of saying “I love you” is being a receptive listener.”
At age forty-nine, I have attended hundreds of bridal showers and wedding luncheons. When the time to “give advice” rolls around, two bits of advice surface nearly every time.
The first is, “Never go to bed angry.” Personally, I disagree with the word never in this statement—sometimes a good sleep, a little distance, and perhaps a hot meal can do wonders for a difficult issue—but that topic is for another blog post.
The second common piece of advice is usually directed at the groom and goes something like this: “When she is telling you her troubles, just listen. She isn’t asking you to fix them.” I like this advice. It’s simple and practical, important for both men and women, and essential in all relationships (Manusov, 2020). The problem is that it’s harder than it seems.
Fortunately, listening has become a popular topic in recent years. Hundreds of books and thousands of websites and podcasts teach listening skills—from Yildirim’s (2025) three R’s (repeat, reflect, and respond) to Triple-A listening (attitude, attention, and adjustment) at the University of Maine at Fort Kent.
Active listening is a phrase defined in slightly different ways by many. For this blog, we will define active listening as any time a person attempts to show—through words and actions—that they are empathetically hearing what the speaker is saying (Nemec et al., 2017; Korobov, 2023). Listening to understand, as opposed to listening to reply, listening for commonalities, or listening to support one’s own ideology, means putting aside one’s own opinions in favor of conceptualizing the speaker’s meaning, motivation, and feelings (Davidson et al., 2024).
A tool of active listening used to accomplish this is reflective listening, repeating back what the speaker has said in a nonjudgmental way (Nemec et al., 2017). The reflection may be word-for-word, a summary, or an interpretation that adds further depth or emphasis to the meaning. While demonstrating attention, one gives the speaker an opportunity to correct any misunderstandings and to expand on the topic. The speaker feels seen, heard, and understood, while ideas and comments are valued.
How many misunderstandings and arguments, wounded feelings, and defensiveness could be avoided if more people practiced reflective listening? To be clear, reflective listening is not agreeing, condoning, or even validating a person’s words and ideas. It is, however, showing a deep respect and acknowledgement of different points of view. My spouse and I have differing views on several matters, however, we value and encourage healthy discussions on controversial topics with each other, friends, and family. I find the more I listen to understand, the more I value different opinions and the people who hold them. I love talking to my 25-year-old daughter because she sees the world with such different eyes. I crave the expansion of my perspective and at times, the reaffirmation of my values.
In a parent-to-young-child relationship, where the child often feels powerless and dependent, reflective listening gives the child an opportunity to know that their opinion matters (Jaber et al., 2018). They have a voice, and even if not everyone agrees with it, they are at least heard.
With my own children, I have found many opportunities to clarify mistaken motivations. Children often do not fully understand their own feelings or what is causing their crankiness, outbursts, anger, or sulkiness. Reflecting back to them provides a mirror to more clearly see their actions and words, helping them and me to recognize what is driving them. It also communicates that they are important, they matter, and there is space for them to talk, feel, and work through difficulties. A sense of trust and confidence begins to develop, not only between the two of us, but also within themselves.
Thanks to Bluey, a favorite cartoon, my seven-year-old son and I have a system in place when he wants to tell me something, but I am speaking with someone else. He quietly puts his hand on my arm to signal he has something to say. I cover his hand with my own to signal back that I am aware he is there and reassure him I will give him the opportunity to speak when I am finished (Brumm, 2018). It works! I appreciate his patience and respect for my conversation, and he appreciates being noticed in the moment, even subtly, and given the assurance that I will talk to him as soon as I can.
Another benefit I am gaining through practicing reflective listening is noticing how often my brain jumps to the wrong conclusion and vocalizes assumptions instead of seeking clarity. For example, today on the way to my seven-year-old’s first orthodontist appointment, he was very quiet. Out of habit, the words “Are you nervous?” formed in my mouth. I remembered my training, bit the words back, and asked instead, “How are you feeling?” As it turns out, he was worried he would miss lunch recess if the appointment took longer than an hour. Similar emotions, completely different meanings.
It is the retraining of old habits that makes learning reflective listening challenging. It represents a different way of communicating, of seeing and interacting with others, and with ourselves. It is a humble, inquisitive, and open approach to people, whether they are loved ones or strangers (Manusov, 2020).
Personally, this journey has become as much about listening to my own thoughts, responses, and judgments before I speak them as it is about listening to others. When automatic retorts bubble in my throat as I listen, it takes practice to question, wrestle with, reform, and often dissolve them. And it takes even more practice to either reflect back what was just said or ask an open-ended question to deepen comprehension and connection.
I have a long way to go, as do most, but I am encouraged by a positive culture flourishing around me and the immediate access I have to effective tools for personal and interpersonal growth. Listening is just one of so many essential skills available to master. May you find joy in your own journey!
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”
References
Brumm, J. (Writer & Director). (2018, October 24). Wagon ride (Season 1, Episode 24) [TV series episode]. In J. Brumm (Executive Producer), Bluey. Ludo Studio. https://www.disneyplus.com/series/bluey/6YUbSezG8v5P
Davidson, S. G., Jaber, L. Z., & Metcalf, A. (2024). Learning to listen: Cultivating pre-service teachers’ attunement to student thinking. Journal of Science Teacher Education, 35(5), 504–523. https://doi.org/10.1080/1046560X.2024.2302694
Jaber, L. Z., Southerland, S., & Dake, F. (2018). Cultivating epistemic empathy in preservice teacher education. Teaching and Teacher Education, 72, 13–23. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tate.2018.02.009
Korobov, N. (2023). A discursive approach to young adult romantic couples’ use of active listening to manage conflict during natural everyday conversations. International Journal of Listening, 37(3), 227–241. https://doi.org/10.1080/10904018.2022.2082970
Manusov, V. (2020). Interpersonal communication. In J. W. Worthington & G. D. Bodie (Eds.), The handbook of listening (pp. 103–119). Wiley. https://doi.org/10.1002/9781119554189.ch7
Nemec, P. B., Spagnolo, A. C., & Soydan, A. S. (2017). Can you hear me now? Teaching listening skills. Psychiatric Rehabilitation Journal, 40(4), 415–417. https://doi.org/10.1037/prj0000287
University of Maine at Fort Kent. (n.d.). Triple-A listening. Student Success Center. https://www.umfk.edu/academics/student-success-center/triple-a-listening/
Yildirim, E. (2025, March 15). Active listening: Meaning, techniques, and benefits. Unlocked Potentials. https://www.unlockedpotentials.com/blog/active-listening-meaning-techniques-and-benefits