Defining Your Values
As mentioned previously, values are the deepest desires of your heart–they provide a scaffolding for how you want to interact with others, yourself, and the world in general. This is why consciously choosing which values you want to espouse is so imperative. Ironically, if you don’t take the time to consciously define and construct a framework of your personal values, you will still embody values–unfortunately they may just not be the ones you thought you were striving for. To avoid this, you must take the time to consciously identify your core values, and then work through how living those values would look in your daily life. This section will help you to focus on the first part of that formula–defining your values.
As you read, keep in mind that there is no specific format for defining your values. For some people, simply writing down a series of one-word “core virtues” or “ethics” captures what they are going for and is enough to give them a meaningful direction, or a compass. In other cases, some need to “try on” different values over time and see if they fit their overarching life trajectory. Regardless of the process by which you define your values, the important thing is that you do it. The following information is not meant to be a one-size-fits all approach; rather, it is meant to spark your creativity, and give you a framework to meaningfully define your own values.
The Importance of a Rudder:
Think of the process of defining your values as constructing your personal life rudder. A rudder (commonly used on ships, boats, submarines and aircrafts) is a primary steering device that operates by altering the movement of water or air, which allows the vehicle to turn or yaw in a particular direction. The rudder is absolutely crucial to the vehicle moving towards its desired orientation–you can think of it as a built-in compass. Without a well-constructed, or well-defined rudder, a vehicle is much more likely to move aimlessly, without ever making any meaningful progress. In essence, without your rudder of personal values being deliberately defined, it is very easy to drift along, tossed around by the vagaries of life. One key to averting this aimlessness is to ask yourself, “what valued direction do I want to move in?” “Which values would help me head there?”
The following video illustrates how our values can be like a rudder to help guide our lives. Or maybe better said, it demonstrates what it looks like when we don’t have a rudder to guide us:
We may succinctly describe Alice in this scene at “rudderless”. She doesn’t know where she wants to end up, nor which direction to begin her journey. As a result, she seems to be floundering. You may relate to Alice’s experience as you reflect on various periods of your life. This is a common human experience, but it doesn’t have to be. Defining your values early and refining them frequently will allow you to live life with a more compelling gusto and purpose.
Guidelines and Exercises for Defining Your Values:
Some useful questions to begin the process of defining your values (i.e. constructing your rudder) are highlighted by Russ Harris in his book, ACT Made Simple (p. 62). Take a moment to jot down some answers to the following questions:
How do I want to grow and develop?
What personal strengths or qualities do I want to cultivate?
How do I want to behave?
How do I want to treat myself?
What sorts of relationships do I want to build?
How do I want to treat others in those relationships?
What do I want to stand for in life?
What do I want to stand for in the face of this crisis or challenging situation?
What domains of life are most important to me?
What values-congruent goals do I currently have?
To illustrate a few potential responses, here are a couple of examples:
I want to develop holistic compassion for myself and others.
To strive for continual kindness and courage.
To be a loyal and reliable friend/spouse/parent.
I want to embody forgiveness and gratitude.
I want others to remember my integrity and generosity.
To have a family-centered life.
Answering these prompts can help you generate value-laden keywords that will help you start to more concretely define which values you want to focus on, and subsequently live (see this document for other ideas). In the case of the example above, combing through the responses yields specific values that I want to define my life. It is evident from my answers that compassion, kindness, courage, loyalty, gratitude, integrity, and family are all important values that I want to embody. We could label them “core values” or “guiding values” because these words represent the meaningful direction I want to pursue.
In a related vein, we also recommend this helpful exercise in values clarification:
Similar to defining your purpose, you will know you're on the right track in articulating your values when you read them and they generate strong feelings of satisfaction, authenticity, motivation, and resonance. You should be able to say “YES! These values are me! This is what I want my life to be about!”
A last word of advice: keep in mind that defining your values is an iterative process. Some values may not be as important to you in certain stages of your life, whereas others may be foundational and constant.The important thing is to carefully note the difference between the two categories–know which values are evolving, and which ones you consider to be the bedrock of who you want to be. Making this distinction early on can prevent much confusion and disillusionment when you take the leap of actually implementing action-based values in your daily doings. To learn more about the process of living by your values, proceed to the next section of the module.