By Chris Craven
“The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived.”
We all know someone who seems to navigate life’s chaos with surprising steadiness. Plans fall apart? They adapt. Unexpected stress shows up? They adjust. A hard emotion hits? They don’t get stuck, they get curious. People like this aren’t simply resilient, and they’re not “lucky.” They’re practicing a major life skill, something psychologists call psychological flexibility, and research shows it may be the single most important predictor of mental health and well-being across nearly every domain of life. In fact, many scientists argue that psychological flexibility is the core of human flourishing (1). And yet, unlike mindfulness or gratitude, it rarely gets the spotlight. Let’s fix that!
What Is Psychological Flexibility?
At its heart, psychological flexibility is the ability to remain open, adaptive, & values-driven, even when life is stressful, uncertain, or emotionally uncomfortable. Psychologists describe it as three interconnected skills:
1. Openness to Inner Experience
Leaning toward emotions rather than avoiding them. Whether that emotion is anxiety before a big test, sadness after a loss, or frustration during conflict, those who practice psychological flexibility lean into all their emotions rather than push away.
2. Cognitive Flexibility
Seeing thoughts as simply thoughts, not as commands, and not always as truths either. You can notice a thought (“I’m going to fail,” “People will judge me,” “This is too hard”) without obeying or believing it. As Dr. Warren teaches, “thoughts are not facts.”
3. Committed Action Toward Values
This means choosing actions that reflect what matters most, even when it’s difficult. Doing what matters to you and your values. Instead of reacting automatically, flexible individuals respond intentionally.
Why Psychological Flexibility Should Matter To You
(According to Dozens of Studies)
A large body of research shows that psychological flexibility:
Strongly predicts life satisfaction and protects against anxiety, depression, and stress (1).
Strengthens relationships, improving empathy, communication, and conflict resolution (2).
Enhances performance at school and work by increasing creativity, problem-solving, and resilience (3).
Supports major life transitions like parenting, grief, illness, college, or career changes by making uncertainty more navigable.
Deepens meaning and purpose, because when we stop resisting our inner world, we gain energy for what truly matters.
Psychological flexibility isn’t about feeling good. It’s about retaining the freedom to do good, even when life is difficult.
Why We Struggle With Flexibility
Here’s the tricky part, our brains are wired to prefer:
Control: “If I stop these emotions, I’ll be okay.”
Certainty: “I need to know exactly how this will turn out.”
Comfort: “If something feels hard, avoid it.”
These instincts kept our ancestors alive, but they work against us in moments that require growth, vulnerability, or change. This is why so many people try to “think away” stress, avoid hard conversations, or wait until they feel “ready” before acting.
Psychological flexibility offers another path.
When Life Falls Apart
If there’s one universal part of being human, it’s this, life does not follow our plans. No matter how organized, faithful, hardworking, or well-intentioned we are, eventually something blindsides us. An illness, a financial setback, a loss, a moment when we look around and think, this is not the life I ordered.
The Toilet Paper Miracle
There’s a story my friend shared with me when both our children were fighting cancer. Her experience taught me more about psychological flexibility than any research article ever could. Her family was in crisis. They were drowning in medical bills, driving back and forth to the hospital, and she had quit her job to care for her sick daughter. Money was gone. Not “tight,” but gone.
One week, she managed to stretch what she had to cover groceries, a tank of gas, and the most urgent bills. But when she walked into the bathroom, she realized with a sinking feeling that there wasn’t even enough money left to buy toilet paper.
She had already used the last of the baby wipes, napkins, even paper towels in the house. Embarrassed and defeated, she tore some newspaper sheets and placed them in the bathroom. She told her children it would only be for a few days.
That night, she offered a quiet, exhausted prayer for help. She didn’t ask for a miracle, just enough grace to get through an impossible week.
A few hours later, she woke to voices and rustling noises outside. Thinking teenagers were up to mischief, she threw open the front door and froze. Her entire lawn had been absolutely covered in toilet paper. Every tree, every bush, the roof, the fence. All of it draped in long white streamers under the streetlight. A classic, messy, inconvenient prank.
At first, she felt intense irritation. Seriously? After everything else? But then something inside her softened. Shifted. Opened.
She burst out laughing. Truly laughing for the first time in days. She ran around her dark yard unspooling toilet paper from branches and gutters, gathering every roll she could carry like the world’s strangest and most joyful treasure hunt. She placed them neatly in her children’s bathroom.
What moments earlier had looked like vandalism suddenly looked like provision. Like an answer to prayer wrapped in absurdity.
Later that night, she knelt again, this time in deep gratitude, and thanked God for providing toilet paper for her family in the most unexpected way imaginable.
Sometimes psychological flexibility looks like nothing more than the willingness to see the same reality with different eyes.
What This Story Teaches Us About Psychological Flexibility
My friend’s experience beautifully reflects the three pillars of psychological flexibility.
1. She allowed herself to feel what she felt.
She didn’t pretend everything was fine. She felt the overwhelm, embarrassment, sadness, and exhaustion. This is psychological willingness, the opposite of emotional avoidance. We cannot choose flexibility if we refuse to acknowledge what hurts.
2. She shifted her perspective.
Instead of rigidly interpreting the toilet paper as one more burden, she allowed a new meaning to emerge: “This is help.” “This is provision.” “This is the answer I asked for, just wrapped differently.” Researchers call this cognitive defusion. Stepping back from rigid interpretations and seeing a situation with greater openness and creativity. It is one of the most powerful skills we can learn.
3. She acted according to her values.
Despite depletion, she stayed connected to what mattered, caring for her children, maintaining hope, and meeting hardship with humor and gratitude. The circumstances didn’t change, but her relationship to them did. That is psychological flexibility.
How to Become More Psychologically Flexible with 5 Small Practices
You don’t need a major life crisis to build psychological flexibility. These are skills we can practice in everyday moments.
1. Notice your thoughts, then let them float by like leaves on a stream.
As Dr. Warren teaches, say, “I’m noticing the thought that…” or “My mind is telling me…” Observe your thoughts, don’t avoid or analyze them. Then place each thought on a leaf in your mind’s eye and watch it drift down stream.
2. Name your feelings accurately.
Naming emotions reduces their intensity (4).
“This is fear.”
“This is sadness.”
“This is overwhelm, and it makes sense.”
3. Ask yourself: What do I value in this situation?
Not, “How do I get rid of discomfort?” But, “What kind of person do I want to be right now?” Discover your values. Your answer becomes your compass.
4. Do the next tiny step toward your values (even if you feel scared or tired).
Text someone. Say the kind thing. Take the break. Ask for help. Show up imperfectly. Flexibility isn’t about doing everything. It’s about doing one small thing that matters.
5. Look for the meaning. Not by forcing positivity, but by staying open.
Like my friend who saw toilet paper not as a prank but as provision, meaning often reveals itself only when we soften our grip on how things “should” be.
A Gentle Reminder for the Hard Days
Psychological flexibility does not mean:
Liking what’s happening
Pretending everything’s okay
Avoiding grief or pain
Staying calm at all times
It simply means this: You can carry pain without letting it decide your future. You can bend without breaking. You can remain open to moments of grace, humor, or beauty, even in the darkest days of your life. Flexibility won’t remove the storms, but it will help you stay rooted and upright until they pass.
Want to Go Deeper? (Evidence-Based Resources)
To explore these ideas more, check out these My Best Self 101 modules:
“Life continuously shoots arrows at you; to survive, be flexible and be on the move because rigid and fixed targets are the easiest targets!”
References
(1) Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010, Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30, 467–480. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001
(2) Daks, J. S., & Rogge, R. D. (2020, Examining the correlates of psychological flexibility in romantic relationship and family dynamics: A meta-analysis. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 18, 214–238. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcbs.2020.09.010
(3) Bond, F. W., & Flaxman, P. E. (2006, The ability of psychological flexibility and job control to predict learning, job performance, and mental health. Journal of Organizational Behavior Management, 26, 113–130. https://doi.org/10.1300/J075v26n01_05
(4) Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007, Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18, 421–428. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x