By Jordynn Duffy
When was the last time you realized your life didn’t look like the vision in your head?
“Don’t change your vision to match your reality. Change your reality to match your vision.”
This sentence came to me a few weeks ago as I was wrestling with several major decisions. On paper, my life is good: I’m studying a major I enjoy and working at a solid job. But something deep inside me kept whispering that I was drifting from the life I truly want. I wasn’t fully aligned with the person I imagine becoming.
If you’ve ever felt the urge to pivot—to step back, reevaluate, and re-route—you’re not alone. Humans are wired for growth. While striving to be more and achieve more can become toxic when fueled by comparison or perfectionism, the desire to evolve is a healthy and necessary part of becoming our best and truest selves.
This post is about that kind of growth—the kind rooted in values, agency, and psychological science.
When Reality Starts Shaping the Vision (Instead of the Other Way Around)
My quote hit me hard because I realized how much power I had given to my current circumstances. I began assuming that what I am doing now is what I will always be doing. Psychologists call this the end of history illusion—the tendency to believe that who we are today is the final version of ourselves (Quoidbach, Gilbert, & Wilson, 2013). We consistently underestimate how much we will change.
For a while, I let my day-to-day reality narrow my imagination. I coasted. I forgot to ask myself the deeper questions: What matters to me? Who am I becoming? What do I truly want? Recognizing this was both uncomfortable and liberating. I wasn’t stuck—I had simply forgotten that change is not only possible, but natural.
The Brain Was Built for Becoming
Like any living organism, we are not meant to remain static. Just as a plant grows toward light, the human brain is designed to adapt and reorganize itself—a process known as neuroplasticity. Research shows that new experiences, learning, deliberate practice, and repeated behaviors literally rewire neural pathways. Over time, these pathways become our new default settings.
In other words, your brain continually updates its “reality” based on what you repeatedly do—not what you wish you were doing.
But neuroplasticity works both ways. If we repeat the same behaviors, thoughts, and patterns, our brain interprets them as safe and permanent. Change requires doing something different long enough for your brain to take it seriously. Behavioral scientists are clear about this: action is the strongest driver of neuroplastic change. This is why there are no “quick fixes,” no motivational talk powerful enough to bypass the work. Transforming your mind and behavior requires intentional, value-aligned effort. It is the steady accumulation of small actions that reshapes your reality—and your sense of self.
Values: Your Internal Navigation System
This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) becomes so powerful. ACT teaches that values—not moods, not circumstances, not fear—should guide our actions. Values are like an internal compass: they orient us toward the life we want, even when motivation fluctuates.
If you feel disconnected from your sense of direction, try asking yourself:
What is most important to me?
What kind of person do I want to be in the long run?
Which behaviors support that vision—and which ones pull me away from it?
These questions are foundational in the Values and Purpose modules on this website, and they can help you identify what truly matters—not what your current reality has conditioned you to believe.
Why Change Feels Hard (and Why It’s Worth It)
We all know what it feels like to be the opposite of “in control.” When habits are deeply ingrained or motivation is low, “just doing the work” can feel exhausting. And yes—growth takes effort. But the research and real-world outcomes are clear: it is always worth it.
This does not mean buying into the idea that we must constantly fix ourselves or that we aren’t enough. Instead, it means changing the stories and behaviors that limit us so we can live in harmony with our values. Growth becomes much more sustainable when paired with self-compassion.
“You are a perfect work in progress”
Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff has found that self-compassion—not self-criticism—is what actually motivates long-term personal change. Being harsh with ourselves shuts down growth; being gentle and honest with ourselves opens the door for it. Celebrate small steps. Acknowledge your courage. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Your brain and behavior won’t transform overnight—and they’re not supposed to.
At the same time, self-compassion is not permission to abandon responsibility or lower your standards out of fear or fatigue. True self-compassion honors both care and accountability. It says: I am enough as I am, and I am also capable of becoming more.
Stephen Covey said it beautifully:
““Too much undisciplined leisure time in which a person continually takes the course of least resistance gradually wastes a life. It ensures that person’s capacities stay dormant, that talents remain undeveloped, that the mind and spirit become lethargic, and that the heart is unfulfilled.””
Growth takes effort, but living beneath your potential is far more exhausting over time.
When Vision Starts Leading Again
So, what is the reality you’re living right now? And how much power are you giving it?
Positive psychology research, including Lyubomirsky’s work, shows that only about 10% of our long-term happiness is determined by circumstances, while 40% is shaped by our intentional thoughts and behaviors (2008). Yet we often act like our current situation dictates everything.
Science tells a different story: We don’t wait for our reality to change in order to change our lives—we change our lives by changing our reality through action, values, and vision.
James Allen expressed this truth long before we had neuroscience:
“As a man thinketh, in his heart so is he.”
If you internalize the idea that you're stuck, limited, or not enough, your life will echo that belief. But if you choose a vision of yourself that is grounded in your values and potential, your behavior will begin to align with it—and your reality follows.
“You can be the master of your fate, the captain of your soul. But you have to realize life comes from you, not at you.”
This is the essence of values-driven living.
An Invitation to Begin Changing Your Reality
Using the resources on this website, I invite you to clarify—or rediscover—your values and purpose. Explore the Values and Purpose modules. Consider ACT exercises or ACT-based apps. Begin experimenting with small, consistent actions that support the person you want to become.
When you align behavior with values, neuroplasticity does the rest. Research supports that over time:
cognitive dissonance decreases
anxiety and depression soften
self-efficacy grows
mood lifts
motivation increases
personal growth becomes energizing instead of burdensome
Living from your vision, not your circumstances, is one of the strongest contributors to well-being and meaning.
“That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not that the nature of the thing has changed but that our power to do has increased.”
Your vision is your compass, not a fantasy. When your actions align with it, your brain reshapes itself to make that vision real. Start small. Start today.
Reflective Exercises to Get Started
1. Values Check-In
Write short answers to:
What matters most to me right now?
What kind of person do I want to be in one year?
Which daily behaviors support that vision?
Which behaviors quietly pull me away from it?
If I were at my funeral years in the future, what would I want people to say about me?
2. Identity Rewrite
Complete this sentence:
The old story I’ve been believing is…
The new story I’m choosing to live into is…
3. One Small Behavior Change
Identify one 5-minute action you can repeat daily that aligns with your values.
(Small actions are what the brain takes most seriously.)
4. Vision Alignment Question
Ask yourself tonight:
Did my actions today match the person I want to become?
If not, what is one thing I can do differently tomorrow?
References
Allen, J. (1903). As a man thinketh. Thomas Y. Crowell Company.
Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 habits of highly effective people: Powerful lessons in personal change. Free Press.
Draganski, B., & May, A. (2008). Training-induced structural changes in the adult human brain. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 31(4), 509–510. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bbr.2008.02.015
Goetz, J. L., Keltner, D., & Simon-Thomas, E. (2010). Compassion: An evolutionary analysis and empirical review. Psychological Bulletin, 136(3), 351–374. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018807
Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes, and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.06.006
Kleim, J. A., & Jones, T. A. (2008). Principles of experience-dependent neural plasticity: Implications for rehabilitation. Journal of Speech, Language, and Hearing Research, 51(1), S225–S239. https://doi.org/10.1044/1092-4388(2008/018)
Kolb, B., & Gibb, R. (2011). Brain plasticity and behaviour in the developing brain. Journal of the Canadian Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 20(4), 265–276.
Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). The how of happiness: A scientific approach to getting the life you want. Penguin Press.
MyBestSelf101. (n.d.). Personal growth module. https://www.mybestself101.org
MyBestSelf101. (n.d.). Self-compassion module. https://www.mybestself101.org
MyBestSelf101. (n.d.). Values module. https://www.mybestself101.org
MyBestSelf101. (n.d.). Purpose module. https://www.mybestself101.org
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
Quoidbach, J., Gilbert, D. T., & Wilson, T. D. (2013). The end of history illusion. Science, 339(6115), 96–98. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1229294
Weigold, I. K., Weigold, A., Russell, E. J., Wolfe, G. L., Prowell, J. L., & Martin-Wagar, C. A. (2020). Personal growth initiative and mental health: A meta-analysis. Journal of Counseling & Development, 98(3), 376–390. https://doi.org/10.1002/jcad.12340