Dealing with People

One thing that is part and parcel with being human is the never-ending need for social interaction. Generally, we want people to like us and accept us, and we don’t want people to reject or despise us. Have you ever noticed how this can cause us to feel a whole range of conflicting emotions? We feel pride when we are praised but also fear that we are imposters. We feel accepted by a group and, at the same time, ostracized and lonely. There is almost nothing more anxiety-inducing than making new friends or working with new colleagues. So, what do we do about it?

The Stoics felt like our interactions with other people were the number one area where we give in and grab hold to externals. Too often,we fall into the trap of following the herd blindly without questioning if we’re going in the right direction. We get in line with people’s expectations hoping them to think well of us. They condemn our appetite for praise and our fear of condemnation, especially from people whom we neither like nor respect. Instead, they suggest  we begin learning and respecting our own opinions more than someone else’s, and valuing something for what it is, rather than just for what others think of it. Criticism is usually aimed at the person someone mistakes us to be, not who we actually are, and most of that criticism can be regarded with contempt. Finally, we can take other people and their comments in stride, with humor and humility. After all, we’re all just people, and we all make similar mistakes and have similar desires.  

Practice: Criticism Meditation

Time: 5 minutes or less

Foundation: “When Archelaus, King of Macedonia, was walking along the street, someone dumped water on him. The king’s attendants said that he should punish the man. “Ah, but he did not dump the water on me,” the king replied, “but on the man, he thought I was.” –Montaigne

Description: This is a practice that is meant to be used at the moment you receive criticism or shortly afterward, although it can be practiced and perfected beforehand. The Stoics suggested a lot of different responses to criticism, but all of them begin with considering the statement or insult that someone has directed at you.

In this practice, think about the last time that you were insulted by someone. Then ask yourself these questions: does this person really know me? Are they a part of my life? Is what they are stating already obvious to me? If these questions are answered in the negative, then they are mistaking your identity. They are stating their vision of who you are, but they don’t really know you or else they would have said something that was even more cutting or said nothing at all. Dismiss their comments because they aren’t directed at you—they’re directed at who they think you are.